April 2, 2013

• My Transition to a Spirit- led Man (How shall I write this?)

  This is a total re edit of this post from October 2007 and revisited here last month.

  Back in October, 2007 I was thinking and praying about how to write the story of my transition to a Spirit- led man.  I thought it must be written and published before I could really move on with building the website the Holy Spirit of Jesus was prompting me to build, which has now progressed to www.jerusalemhill.org  here on Xanga.  I was wrong.  The Lord has moved me along in His Own Good Time.  I now realize my transition began way back when I was a boy.  And it's certainly not a completed work in me even now.  But "He Who has begun a good work in me is faithful to complete it!"

  I think now that I was trying to write about just one chapter of my life which began in 1990 when I finally recognized the sovereignty of God and my foolishness in resisting it.  At that time I completely submitted myself to Him, My Lord and Master, as Paul "beseeches" us to do in Romans 12, verse 1; or at least I thought I had done that.  But the next ten years was a difficult time in my life, seemingly filled with many failures, a time of falling short of my intentions and of hurting and disappointing people I love -- especially one person who was my wife during those years. I can still feel those failures within me and still have to deal with them.  I've heard many opinions about my failures expressed by others.  But I'm still not sure which if any were failures from God's point of view.  I believe He knew and accepted the necessity for me to fail, including the many consequences, as part of my transition to complete dependance upon Him and to the spiritual empowerment which comes with it! 

  I cling to one certainty, one absolutely irrefutable truth:  During that whole time, my heart was set upon obeying the voice of God within me.  The Lord was so often during that time showing me in the New Testament where the present- day church community had "missed it" and was following "mere traditions of men."  And the voice of God within me was coaxing and encouraging me to love others as Jesus loved us, sacrificially, and contrary to the accepted rules of the religious culture, straight into confrontation with the "conventional wisdom."   The harder I tried and failed, the more frustrated, irritable and angry I became inside.  I said things -- no, I screamed things -- to my wife which I now wish I could take back.  And I continued to do the things which raised suspicions about my motives, all the more because my well-intentioned actions did not always bear good fruit.  

  These cause me to wonder about the destruction and suffering caused by Saul of Tarsus before he met the Risen Christ on the road to Damascus.  The few details we have about this time of his life are chilling.  And the manner in which God humbled Saul are dramatic.  But, for me, the greatest lesson from the life of Saul of Tarsus comes from his receipt of the Holy Spirit, Whom I also have received.  As with Saul of Tarsus, I had to be knocked down and face my blindness; my life had to be completely changed, turned upside down.  Now in 2013 my frustrations, irritability and anger are -- for the most part -- long gone, replaced by that "peace which surpasses understanding."  I've experienced spiritual successes and seen good fruit in and around my life.  

  I see now there is no good reason to write my former wife into this story.  The Lord is still at work in her as He is in me.  She is entitled to her privacy.  It is sufficient to say I failed to obey My Lord's command to me to "Just love her" because I was simply still carnal and still far from being a spiritual man during our time together.  I regret that.  But I'm confident God was using my failure in her life just as he used false allegations and prison time in mine.  I pray for her, with love in my heart for her, still, even though we no longer communicate at all.

  Beyond that, the story of my transition to a Spirit - led man is still being written; and that's why I post blogs and make comments on others'.  And that is why I begin all my prayers in this way:  "Oh! Sweet Jesus,  God of second chances and new beginnings, it's me again..."

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  • 7:39 am
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